Ok… so you all know how I remind you to “LoveYourselvesFirst!” Well, I have to remind myself of this as well at times. These pics are a collage made up of moments/experiences, that I have enjoyed, like my FWmnn podcasts/blogs/vlogs, acting/improv, ‘Tales with Nana MJ’, a lil Bday vaca to the Grand Canyon with My Love and his side of the family, my Rosy boa “Baby,” a trip Carlsbad beach with My Love, and of course precious time with my granddaughters. I’m thankful to have had these times, where I’m able to feel contented and happy. Here’s just some of those special moments over the last year. A lil bit of me all wrapped into one.
This past week (since Mon) had put me into a momentary tailspin. A lot going on… As I may have mentioned, I had to have a biopsy done on my uterus/ovaries recently. Now, I need another even more invasive biopsy done next month, because the last one came back as unusual, possibly pre-cancer. While there, we checked my BP 3×; once even manually, and additionally discovered that I have extremely high blood pressure, 170/110 – which is the high end of Hypertension stage 2, just below Hypertension crisis, which is 180/120 and extremely dangerous. I’m not far from that, as you can see, and in danger of a heart attack/stroke. So this has been a very stressful week, to say the least. I was handling all of the news, with that “smile” we have all learned to embrace, and my sweet Dr even commented on how well I was taking it all in. I said, “Ihavetosmile, it‘swhatkeepsmesane. IfIdon‘t, I‘llcry!” She said she understood my thought process. She is very gracious and warm, with the sweetest most soothing voice; which definitely doesn’t hurt in these types of situations. She urged me to go directly to my GP; another Dr I’m so thankful to have, that truly listens and cares. But because of the holiday, they had closed the office at 3p. That was it, “Thestrawthatbrokethecamel‘sback!” so to speak. I was holding it all together, until I wasn’t… The tears came rolling down my cheeks in an instant! Why!?! Another health issue? Don’t I have enough of them to deal with already? Funny thing about that… there is no quota! As we’ve all come to discover at some point, during this long ass journey, with an unending supply of surprises, and not the fun kind, that come with cake and ice cream, nope not that; it’s the kind that comes with more poking and proding.
Now being that Thanksgiving is in tow, everything is going to be closed, so I have to wait until the following Mon to address my newest friend; Hypertensionstage2. So what to do Now? This news didn’t exactly decrease my BP by any means. So after much contemplation, and talking with my bestie Kelly, we agreed that Xanax might be a good choice for now. She knows how I hate to take meds, but she was correct in suggesting it. So I’m taking half of a Xanax when I get up, and the other half at night, before bed. I had noticed the increasing BP over the last few months, but thought it may just be “Whitecoatsyndrome,” so I didn’t question it. I should have, in hindsight, because I’ve had on occassion, chest tightening, irregular heart rythym, and a couple moments where my heart felt like it tried to jump out of my chest; once while sleeping (that scared me a bit), and once while awake.
Only two more days now to see my GP, then hopefully, I’ll get my BP under control quickly, as I have a trip coming up. I’m going to see my sister, her hubby, my five nieces and nephews, and my bio dad (just found them all 6yrs ago, and dad has dementia), my bother in-law, my sis in-law, and my lil nephew; in Florida for a week, and then in Maryland; I’ll see my aunt’s, uncles, and cousins, whom I haven’t seen for many long years, so I’m way past due getting to see them.
I’m anxious about being in airports… the plane ride, no problem, but the airports, ugh! But I’m staying focussed on the goodstuff; being able to spend quality time with family, enjoying meaningful conversations with my many amazing fibro friends/family, and having an awesomeman in my life. I‘mthankfulforyouall!
*I want to mention MyLoveBill, whom is the reason I get to go on this wonderful trip. He takes care of me like no other. He is my rock, my world, my moon, and my stars! He’s going to forego this trip, to stay and work his butt off, to complete a goal he’s set for himself at work. Get that bonus baby, I believe in you! 😍
My two sons, my two granddaughters, and my daughter in law 💜
I haven’t had a chance to really just LIVE. I’ve thought about my life constantly, trying to figure out how to navigate through it, with each thing I’ve endured. Abuse (molestation/emotional), obstacles, disappointments, losses, and of course, my illness. If I had known what was wrong with me long ago, from the beginning, things could have been different, I’m sure of that. Different good, who knows, but different none the less.
If I continued to look back, wishing that things could have turned out more positively, I would never enjoy anything. It’s been a long journey, but I’m learning to let the past stay where it is, little by little. That I cannot change it, or the people involved. I can only forgive, accept, and find peace within myself. I’m not saying things won’t crop up occasionally, of course they will and they do, but I can say that I am a better person for learning to let it all go.
This has taken me decades… I’m 48yrs old now, and I have no idea what kind of timeline I have left. I can only make the best of whatever it is, and appreciate it. Finding the good that’s still there, making amends whenever needed, and enjoying the little things even more. Realizing that you cannot change others, but you can change how you perceive them, and on occasion, that’s all you really need; just a new perspective.
I work hard on myself, my FWmnn, and my want to have good relationships with my loved ones. On occasion I’m overwhelmed, distracted, and just simply too tired and in pain, yet I still try to give it my best. In others eyes, that may not be enough. But we cannot count on them to react the way we’d like. That’s just not practical, nor logical. None of us think or feel exactly alike, so expecting that from someone, is just a let down waiting to happen. I promise you.
So, all you can actually do, is yourBEST. That will have to be enough. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Each encounter you have, has one our more personalities envolved, and every outcome will be different. If you take that same conversation and replace just one personality, just one, then the outcome will never be the same. If you realize and accept this reasoning, you will find some relief, and even, some happiness.
You are responsible for youself. If you know you are doing the right thing, have the resolution to stand by your decisions. We are all imperfect beings, so we all make mistakes. Spend less time pointing fingers and more time on improving yourself. You will be a happier “You,” even if no one else changes. I can tell you this from experience.
Love yourself first! Yes, as selfish as that sounds, it is the right thing to do. Then everything else will eventually fall into place; seem brighter, easier, and much more pleasant.
*On a side note,
I had just attended my Palm Springs High School 30yr Class Reunion. I was excited, yet having some trepidation, thinking I may be too overwhelmed by it all. I think I’ve healed my mind and soul so much, that I had the confidence and courage to just be me. Needless to say, I enjoyed myself immensely. I had amazing conversations with old, as well as new friends I made that night. My Love Bill and I went with Mona; my best friend from high school, whom I have remained friends with over all of these years. I was lucky to have her in my life then, and even now. Never an argument nor disagreement between us, just friendship, love, and respect. We all enjoyed ourselves, and I’m so happy we went. Although I am paying for it still now. So damn tired and aching, but so worth it!
Enjoy life, in anyway you can. We’ll never know when our last day is near, until that moment comes. Make your existence count, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.
You are not alone… and neither am I!
Love you all 💜💋 MJ
I’m extremely sensitive to these tragedies, it breaks me down at times. This is one of those times…
This massacre was very close to home. Just a 3 1/2 hour drive for us, when we visit for a few days to just get away…
My heart goes out to all of those impacted by this horrific tragedy. Friends, family, lives lost, many injured, both physically and mentally. Sunday was unnerving… heart wrenching. I watched it unfold from afar, as a friend reached out from Vegas for help, asking for info on the shooting from the outside looking in.
This is dedicated to my sweet friend Mary Kennedy. I’m here if you need me. My heart goes out to you 💞
I came across this question, on another group I admin for. They asked, “Doesanyoneelsehavehalfdays?”Meaning they run out of energy after only a few hours of being up/awake.
The spoon theory really comes in to effect here, and this is my take away from it. We have to ration ourselves… decide what’s most important to accomplish each day, knowing our reserve is low. Do I take a shower, or do I do laundry, or dishes, or clean, or run errands, or decide to eat at a restaurant or at home; if I go to a restaurant, I’ll have to do some driving but no cooking or clean up, if I eat at home, I’ll have to cook and then I may be too tired to wash all of the dishes, so maybe I’ll just make soup, that’s easy enough; so then maybe I’ll have some energy left to read a book, nope, the book is too heavy and my hands hurt, so maybe I’ll just listen to an audio book or music. Everything we do, no matter how simple it may seem, steals a lil bit of energy from us, so shaving in the shower may have to wait, because you’ll need the energy to wash your hair. Yes, those minor things have become less than minor for us. Something the average person could not ever comprehend.
So if you need that nap, take it, our bodies need it, and we all know that sleep, REAL sleep, is so very damn hard to come by! Never feel guilty for what you can or can’t do! We each have our own limits, and this illness has six stages. So, you do “You” the best you know how! We are stronger than we appear, and our strengths come in many forms, we just have to navigate through them a lil more creatively 💜
Apologies, that turned into a bit of a rant, Haha! 🦋
Both politically and environmentally, our climate has changed. If you deny globalwarming, you have to ask yourself “Why?” If you think that it’s not yourjobtohelp those in need, again ask yourself “Why?” I love helping others, it’s what I do, and I do it gladly. Doesn’t it feelgood to help a friend in need, or to clean up your neighborhood, or to help educate others? The answer is most likely a resounding “Yes!” Doing good deeds, give us endorphins, and we all know what a great feeling that can be.
I am in fear for our future. More so, my children‘s and grandchildren‘s future. What will be left for them? Will our government make things even worse than they already are, will people kill each other over their beliefs even more freely, will MotherNature have her way, and finally destroy us all? It’s not unlikely! Fires, earthquakes, floods, tornados, hurricanes… Is this not a clearwarning that we need to get our shit together!?! We can all make a difference, and yes it’s a small difference if only one person chooses to… but, if we all try just a lil more fervently, we can at least put a few speedbumps in the middle of what is happening to our world. We are all accountable for what has become of this bigbluemarble, ALL of us! If we continue to turn a blind eye, and think to ourselves, “Thisdoesn‘timpactme.“ or, “Whatismyeffortworth?“ or, “I‘mjustoneperson, that‘snotgoingtomakeanydifference!“, you are sadly mistaken! It does impact YOU, your EFFORT is worth SavingLives, and yes, ONE person will make a difference; because each ONE adds up to many.
I have avoided the news, and politics, most of my life; because they weighheavily on me. I take too much on, and that eventually impacts my health. I worry, a lot… about everyone, and everything! So it is important that I take these issues on with ease. But, right now, it’s NOT about me, it’s about my family and friends all over the world, dealing with disasters both environmentally and politically! I’m in heartbreak right now over our countries stateofbeing. The ugliness that is erupting from all sides is deplorable! And yes, some are light years WORSE than others. I’m not here to point fingers right now, but I am here to say this…
Please, do your part! No matter how small, or how big, just DO something. The hatred needs to F’n stop! Love is what I choose. So, show a lil compassion, cleanup your environment, help out those in need, recycle some things, stop putting yourself above others; we are equals, use a lil lesswater, show why your side is good; without belittling the other, driveless and ride a bike/walk more, enjoynature instead of sitting on your computer/phone all day, reachout to loved ones more, pickup that trash on the ground; and place it in the right receptacle, donate to a good cause, say “HI” to your neighbor or call your cashier by name (they’ll smile, I promise), and just be a betterYOU overall. If each of us did our part to be BETTER people, the world around us could be a better place to live. These are small things I’ve suggested, because starting with the small things makes the larger things more accessible; hence viewed as possible, instead of impossible.
Love… hug… help… one another!
It’s easier than you think, and it will change you… It will change you in amazing and wonderful ways! This I know. So let’s all Love not Hate, have Compassion not Disillusionment, LiftUp not TearDown, and we will become better people, whom will leave a better climate, both politically and environmentally, for our children, and our children’s children.
It all begins here. Joinme, please!
When we are quite young, and have traumatic events occur in our lives, our brains are still developing at that point. So anything like physical/mental/sexual abuse, surgeries, accidents, etc., causes a change in the way our brain developes. Once altered, it is unable to function normally as it should. So we are often left with ongoing issues like childhood/adult PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Fibro; and for some of us, much more.
We go through life after that, often questioning and/or blaming ourselves; for everything that we go through, or that happens to us. When in reality, we are left to feel inadequate, because of the traumas we’ve endured, through no fault of our own. But because this has all been SO misunderstood, we took it ALL on ALONE, in most cases; which comes with it’s own set of guilt rendering issues. Those around us cannot ever truly understand what that is like. We can only hope that they will empathize with, and love us for who WE ARE, not what illnesses we have.
Because of all that we’ve been through…
I know that you are stronger and more loving for it! It is people like us, that makes our former selves (others now going through what we have), feel less alone, understood, and loved because we have truly been where they are.
*This post was inspired by a conversation I just had with a fellow Fibro Warrior named Rosa Elena. I love it when someone asks the questions that inspire me to write posts like this. Thank you!
You are not alone! Love you all 💜💋MJ
*This is what I’ve discovered and purely my opinion, after tirelessly researching, medical articles, medical videos, as well as my own questions proposed to others in my FIBRO groups.
*I neglected to add this when I originally wrote my blog, and it is important that I do. That is, a trauma in any form; physical, mental, viral, can happen to you at any time in your life, and cause this illness. The younger you are (5yrs old or younger if I’m not mistaken), the more issues you will likely have to endure. If you have a familymember that has Fibro, it’s more likely that a trauma you suffer may cause you to also have Fibro. Examples: A caraccident, having a baby whether naturally or by c-section, having a bad viralinfection, an accident that caused damage to any part of your body, losing a lovedone, loss of a job that caused you to lose or almost loseeverything else, verbalabuse, physicalabuse, molestation, rape; these are all types of trauma, and I believe it is the trauma that originates the symptoms. Doctors need to look deeper, into our Brians and Spines (Vagus Nerve), because most of the damage we endure is effected by those two areas, and because they are connected to everytissue/organ from our skin inward, it is where I think the key to our illness lies. And I will search tirelessly to find it, even if my own body has to be the guineapig. If you’ve suffered any of these types of trauma and needhelp, talk to your Dr, and see a therapist. I know not everyone cares for that idea, but talking about what you’ve been through, can help if you allowthem to, and most of all be completelyhonest with them. They need the truth to helpyouheal. 🦋
•Yes “sorry“, we use this word too often, I’m aware. But I truly feel that way, when I’ve missed something, or someone’s cry for help. I try to remember everyone, and reach out when I can, but alas, I am only one person, so I miss things unintentionally, and then inevitably I feel terrible, when I’ve discovered that I have…
“I wanted to see what was going on with you? I know you and I are not best pals and that the distances between us are great, but please know that I’m here for you, if you need a non-judgemental ear and/or shoulder.”
•That’s what we should do for each other, because not everyone will.
“No one, shares their true selves on social media, it’s let’s “keepupwiththeJoneses,” or “oneupping,” or just simply putting a “prettymask” over what we are all really dealing with. I am a private person, and I have only recently been able to share the truth with everyone, on my FWmnn podcasts/blogs. It is with much trepidation that I share some things, especially when it comes to my children. That’s the toughest and most heartbreaking thing to share. But I know that sharing those things, can help others, as well as allow them to see that I am true and trustworthy, because in this climate and social media nonsense, people feel more disconnected than ever!”
•Our truths shall set us free…
“I feel what you are going through; been there, and I can’t honesty say, I will never be there again, because we just don’t really know what life will throw our way, at any given moment. Life is a crapshoot, and we just have to figure out how to navigate through this rockyterrain.”
•During our journeys, there will be flat/straight roads, but we should be here for each other during all of them, especially the toughestterrains. That’s when those less experienced, will fall to the wayside.
“I hope that you haven’t let those lessthanworthy people in your life, have any more of an impact than they F’n deserve! You are YOU, and no one can understand your trials and tribulations more than we can. You have to be knee deep in the crap, before you could even begin to have a concept of what strength it truly takes, to pull yourself up and out; when after all, it would be so much easier to just give in or give up! On my darkest days… I have to WORK to stay present, to stay around for my loved ones, whether they believe me, believe in me, or not. It’s so tormenting to know, that the ones you love the most, could seemingly careless. We have to climb up and out everyday, because our illnesses, etc., tear us down and try to put us under, every night. I know how strong you are, and not just as a “woman” or a “man“, but as a person, whom tries to take on the world, helping those they can, while trying to stay possitive, sane, happy… all by ourselves.”
•We all try so hard to be present. So be proud of yourselves!
“You are not alone, you are loved, and I am here for you; if and when you need me. Love and hugs to you all, my darlings!”
“FYI, please feel free to share this with anyone, because I am not afraid to speak my mind, nor share my thoughts with others! Remember to…
Be open, feel free to cry when you need, and then be the strong person we know we are!” 💋 💜 MJ
•This was mostly a message I had sent to a friend the other day, whom is struggling like we are. But after writing it, I realized that this is how Ifeelfor, andabout, allofyou! So this letter/message is to all of my fellow FibroWarriors, young, old, male, female, every race, religion, orientation, etc., I am here, I love you, and with open arms I embrace you. You are my family, and you are truly notalone! Love you all 💜💋MJ