The things I really want to say or scream out rather (on occasion anyway), would scare away the mere novice. But, if you’re like me, and have dealt with anything that has plagued you for nearly your entire life, a few expletives are expected. So, do you know what it’s like to always worry about everyone else’s feelings, aside from your own? I don’t mean every second, I’ve slipped at times and said what I felt, only to realize that I should have kept my lips sealed. Not everyone can handle the truth.
The rest of the time, you’re playing chicken with your truth, because you don’t know how to explain what’s happening with you… to you, and that’s tricky when others are counting on you to be there for them. You try to be the best person you can, and hope someday that you’ll be honestly understood. Only that day never seems to come, and so you bury yourself beneath all that ails you. Knowing that they’ll never truly comprehend it, unless or until, it has happened to them.
Pointless hours, days… years even, wasted; by keeping your real thoughts to yourself. Knowing you are a good person, standing behind this wall you’ve built, because no one understands you. Hell, it took nearly my lifetime to comprehend what was happening to me. Each month, year, decade… passing you by, with more of life’s “gifts” piling on, as you move through your maze; built for only the strong. Trust me.
Never realizing how strong you truly are, until your fortitude has been tested over and over, by those logs and boulders. No, not sticks and stones; that’s child’s play. I could have said, “Enough!” many times in my life. I worried that I would someday, and that my sons may have been the ones that found me… This being a huge reason that I have pushed myself, and pulled myself up out of the darkness. For my sons.
The best parts of me are in them. And I can only hope that the worst parts; ie, my health, do not take over, Ever! I wouldn’t wish this nightmare on even my worst enemy, because no one deserves this. I want to protect them from this, from me, from the darkness. They truly have no clue as to the torture I’ve endured. I’m not saying others have not had it much worse; we all have our own forms, just to be clear, and my heart aches for those that do. But this hasn’t been a game, nor a fairytale, of that I’m certain.
To those that see my struggles and think, or say, that I’m weak… F*** You! I am STRONG, I am a WARRIOR, and you are the weak one, for thinking for a second that you’re better than me because you were lucky enough to have good health, physically and mentally. How narcissistic are you to think that better health, makes you a better person. Or on the other spectrum, to simply deny that someone is having heath problems, because you “Can’t see them!” Genetics do not make you a good person, your actions and thoughts do.
I am who I am because of my struggles, and no matter what anyone else thinks, I am proud of whom I’ve become, and although I wish I could have had a better childhood, a better life, better experiences… I wouldn’t change the person I am now. I’ve learned to have even more empathy, given and recieved more love, and I have learned valuable lessons, that only a difficult life lived, may give you. Honestly, I had never thought I would see forty years old… let alone 50, right around the corner next year.
I’ve grown leaps and bounds recently, and even now; struggling as I am; I’ve been able to stay from beneath those clouds. The darkness that’s eternally waiting for me, just below the surface. I’ve healed my relationships with family, now waiting for the right opportunity to heal my most valued relationship(s). This will take time I know, and I’m being patient; although it’s quite difficult.
If you’re like me… remember your worth! Value yourself, and not with the value that others have placed upon you; but with your own true self taught virtues. You know they are there, you just have to look below the surface. You are stronger, brighter, priceless even. You are a WARRIOR, just like me. Together we are indestructible!
Your not alone… and neither am I!
Love you all 💜💋 MJ