Mine, and quite possibly yours as well, and if so, you will relate I imagine.
After I had originally wrote this, I later realized, that my title would reflect a feeling of loss. Like we’ve all felt, and are continuing to feel, after these deadly school shootings. Although I am wrapped up in what’s happening with my health, it is not lost on me, that this devastation has continued to weigh on our hearts and our minds. There are no words elegant enough to express my feelings on this matter, so I will only say this to those most intimately impacted by this horrific loss of lives, “My heart goes out to you and yours, for any loss is deeply felt; but the loss of a child, that is just simply unbearable…” And to everyone else I say, “Choose love and peace, not hate and violence.”
Childhoods stolen in the flash of a moment… all of the wonderment, sunshine, and optimism whisked away, along with their innocence. We’re we not worthy of an outstanding life? “Why?” We often wonder, “Why me?” Indeed. What we are unable to discern at such a tender age, is that none of it was our doing. Yet throughout life, we constantly blame ourselves. For not just one moment, but for it all. Every single thing that happens. If you’re lucky enough, you will finally understand…
Ah understanding. It’s a fickle thing really. Just when you think you do, something slaps you in the face, quite out of nowhere. Then the clouds begin to part a bit, and you come to realize that there is still something missing; that final piece of the puzzle. Only it is out of your grasp, hidden away amongst the clutter. If only you could find it, “I know it’s around here somewhere?“, you think to yourself.
When (or if) that piece does finally materialize… there is a serenity that washes over you. A clarity above all else. After all of the suffering, and self loathing, you are finally able to love yourself. “Yes! I’m free!”
But no, not really. That moment (or moments) in childhood, will never allow you to be truly free, as your health has been dictated by that singular instance. And although you may have recovered in many aspects, this illness borne from ugliness, will forever infect you. How do we continue to cope, when at every turn we are met with more anguish, over the next impending health issue? One on top of the other. How do we endure?
I’m fighting, I’m being strong, I’m staying possitive, but for how much longer? Not one, nor two, nor three, but now five health issues in less than three months. One of which I’m worried will be bad news; may even be bone cancer (update: not cancer!), another is a possible stroke, another may be excessive brain damage (overlooked brain shear from old car accident), and a pending hysterectomy; done by my gyno or an Oncologist (update: also not cancer, so my gyno may proceed). For the finale last week, I found out that I have highly elevated liver values (almost 10× the normal), and after an ultrasound as well as a multitude of bloodtests, not a reason has surfaced as to why? So off to yet another specialist I go. Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to cover it! I’m ANGRY!!! Angry, that I’ve tried so hard to live healthy and stay on this earth for my loved ones, only to be constantly bombarded by one thing after the next.
And worst of all… my children do not know any of this, nor care to, I feel. Who wouldn’t want to just give up? It’s a lot to stand up against. I haven’t, and don’t plan to give in. But damn if the silence isn’t enticing. I don’t want for much, just a lil time with quiet consideration, that stretches on for more than a month (if I’m lucky). Give me the mundane. Enough of this damn rollercoaster I’ve been on.
Keeping up with FWmnn has been difficult, and interactions with my fibro friends have been minimal. I’m struggling, and that means I have extremely low energy. I miss you all, and please know that I’m not ignoring any of you, I just need time to process. The waiting is the most difficult part it seems. Once I know more, I will be able to share and explain. So for now, I’m around, yet in the shadows. I hope you all are doing better than I, and that your pain is minimal. Sending big, yet gentle, hugs 💞
You are not alone… and neither am I!
Love you all 💜💋 MJ