This week has been a slow, and melancholy one. Although my sadness is not at its peak, as it once was, it still lingers. Occasionally creeping up on me when least expected at times, and of course, on those dates that will always remind me, of whom was lost; my late husband Desi Aragon.
Today, I am honoring loved ones, both here and gone…
(I gave this gift to Kelly as a keepsake, with a pic of her parents inside)
This past Thurs I attended my best friends father’s funeral. I was determined to be there for her, and was stressed over it for a few days, as she has been there for me when I’ve needed her most. So I couldn’t even fathom, not being present for her, on such a difficilt day. My Love had my car that day, so I took an Uber. Being as we live up in the mountains, I was unsure of how timely they would be, but fortunately, he was near by, and the ride was comfortable. Crisis overted! I was anxious to see my darling friend, her son, and husband. So on seeing her smile, it made me at ease. The ceremony was military style, and it was lovely to see the way in which they honored their fallen soldier. I took some video clips and pics, to put together later for her, as a keepsake. After all was said and done, everyone eventually met at their house. We all chatted a bit, watched a video her darling husband made; dedicated to her sweet dad, some stories were told of him, and we even had a laugh here and there. It was a beautiful gathering, and she handled it all, with such poise and grace. I love this sweet girl dearly, and I can’t help but feel her loss. She was so close to her parents, and now she’s lost them both… I can only imagine the emptiness she must be feeling.
(Luis L. Kennedy’s funeral, July 13th, 2017)
This day had now brought up my feelings of loss… It was 13yrs ago today (July 17th) that I lost my brave husband to a brain tumor. His loss still has an impact on me, even though much time has passed. I’ve not been in tears every day mind you, but it’s a deep empty feeling… a vacancy of sorts, that I’m simply unable to fill. There are dates, pics, songs, scents… that bring about this melancholy sensation, and it catches me off guard on occasion. I have difficilty remembering things from the past at times… Then there are those moments, where it all comes rushing back to me at once. But today, I can barely recall his voice, his laughter, his smile… it’s like faint whispers in the dark. I will always remember what a wonderful man he was, to me and to my sons. He put us all first. And with him, I was the happiest I had ever been, at that point in my life. Great kids, great husband, great job… just complete and utter happiness, for once in my tumultuous life. Only then, we found out he had a brain tumor just a week after our first anniversary. We tried everything to eradicate it, but it was aggressive, and kept growing, despite surgery to remove a portion of it, plus the proton beam therapy for months afterwards…
That following spring, I diligently planned a renewal of vows for us; as our second anniversary was near; to show him how much I loved him. It was to be a surprise, and I invited all of our family and closest friends. Unfortunately, two people ruined the surprise, and when he asked me about it, I was in tears. All of that hard work… But he just looked at me with his sweet smile, then said, “Oh baby, that’s ok. We’ll just make it bigger and better now. I love you so much!”, as he wrapped me in his arms. Just a few days later, our house and backyard were filled with all of our loved ones. It was a beautiful ceremony, with an abundance of pictures and video taken of the occasion. It was a perfect day.
Three months later he passed quietly away, at our home, in our bed.
The previous day; as many have depicted of their own loved ones; he was feeling quite good. He was up and about, as though nothing was wrong, and we had a truly beautiful day together. He told me how much he loved me, how I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and how I am his one and only, love of his life. He said to me, “You made me want to be a better man!” How large those words were, as they came off of his lips. I then poured out my heart to him as well, as we held each other tightly. This is a moment, I will, always remember!
The day he passed, is one I shall not depict, as it was the most difficult of our lives.
After some weeks had passed, I sent in the vow renewal video, my dear brother recorded for me; to be made into several DVD’s, to give to our families. I had not watched the video before this time, and it was now a month after his passing that they arrived. Once I recieved them, I immediately sat down to watch…
It was endering and lovely, to see everyone, happy, smiling, laughing. At the end, there was something more… My brother Jason, had recorded a message from Desi that day. I felt so overwhelmed by his love, while I watched him talk to me, from what felt like the beyond. It was an unexpected gift, that I will cherish always.
It’s now thirteen years later…
I find it difficult to describe my emotions this past weekend. Even today. I miss him, feel the ache of his loss, wishing his life had not been cut so short. Yet, I’m not crying. I can only imagine it is because I’m healing a little more each year. He was so insistent that I should be happy, and to move on after he was gone. In fact he demanded it! But, I fell part. So moving on was slow and messy for awhile. And my sons had the toughest time, because I was often unaccountable, as depression sunk its ugly claws into me, so deeply. Thankfully they had their dad (my first husband), to keep them together, while I tried to find my way back into the sunlight. That dark cloud had diminished, while Desi was in my life. Only to returned even more fierce than ever, after his passing.
I slowly found my way back to being somewhat whole again. And I can say that I am happy, for the most part these days. Because I have been fortunate enough to have a good man in my life once again. To find real love once, is difficult in and of itself… but here he is, My Love Bill. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Desi had sent him my way. I feel appreciated, safe, respected, and truly loved once more. I hardly feel I deserve to be happy at times, thinking that I’m a bad person for having any happiness. I had put these thoughts into my head for so long, it was hard to break free of that mindset. It took a long time for me to see my worth. I had to see it through someone else’s eyes! Desi first, and now again through Bill. He has been through it all with me. All of my thoughts put to words; for him to leave me, because he deserves so much more than I can give. That I’m broken, and how I love him enough to let him go. But he stayed… he stayed with me, because he truly loves me. He even gave up having children of his own, by being with me. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is? Through all of our tough times, his, mine, ours, we are still together. Stronger, in love, still holding hands, and cuddling, as if it was our first year, instead of halfway through our tenth.
So this is why I’m calm. Although there will always be that void left in me, I’m no longer full of tears and sorrow. Instead, I’m remembering…
I’m remembering the joy he (Desi) brought into my life, how intelligent he was, and so loving. The way he helped me become a better person, by showing me how to believe in myself, and thus allowing me to recognize a good man (in Bill), while he was standing right in front of me. All because he (Desi) revealed to me, how a real man should treat the one he loves. So today, I celebrate him, thank him, and honor him, for all that he was in life. And I’m so proud to say, that I have a man in my life now, that allows me these moments. Without feeling that my honoring Desi, is in any way lessening my love for him. I am a lucky woman, of this I am certain. Despite my illnesses, and all that I’ve endured. I recognize my gifts.
(Bill and I, December 26th, 2006 – Present)
Bill, you are an amazing man… my sweet, loving man. And I’m so proud to have you in my life, by my side, while we gracefully grow old together. I love you more than you could possibly imagine 💜 MJ
*In loving memory of my late husband, Michael “Desi” Aragon, and my best friend Kelly Kennedy-Lane’s father, Luis L. Kennedy. Forever in our hearts, always in our thoughts 💞
Also celebrating the life of my handsome lil nephew, LJ. He turned two years old today. Happy Birthday! Love you lil man 💓
You are not alone! Love you all 💜💋 MJ
FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal