Over the years, I have watched a myriad of movies, and I’ve read a number of books as well. On occasion, I will chose one according to how I’m feeling; melancholy is often the case, but sometimes it’s happy, mad, or ultimately I’m just bored. Usually its just simply something that’s caught my attention, so I engage. As my Improv instructor Michael Chain always says to us, “Read a book/watch a movie!”, with some exploitatives in between, haha! Yes, Mike, I will do it all more… promise! I’ve watched/read so many, they have all just seemed to meld together at this point.
I am drawn to dark, psychological thrillers, film noir, things of that nature, with some Stephen King and the like, sprinkled in between. Not sure why really, they just call out to me. I’ll also read autobiographical novels once in a great while, but what I enjoy most are period novels; by Jane Austen for example, one of my favorites. They seem to pull me back into the past, to a time I’ll never know, but have found so indulgent over the years. I’ve even caught myself speaking the dialect; if I’ve read two or more, back to back, and chuckle at myself a bit, as I hear those words escape my lips for the first time. It’s interesting how impressionable we can be, isn’t it?
What is it about the unknown that’s so intriguing? Is it the fantasy of it all… just to be out of “our” reality, if only breifly? Our lives are filled with all things Fibro related, and as warriors, life can become so… So mundane, and even repetitive. It’s no wonder we crave an escape on occasion, and a good book or movie can do just that, especially when you’re stuck in the house, more often than not. I do get out, mind you, but I’m disappointed all too often, by what I can no longer do. I used to be so incredibly active, pushing my self to the limits… and beyond! The happy, strong, funny MJ is still in there… underneath the cognitive fog, pain, and lethargy, but she’s having a go at it, trying to break free again! I desperately miss, who I was once able to be. Yes, I do obscure the pain still, just not with the lust for life I once had. I feel that I disappoint others, as well as myself, often these days. The guilt of that weighs heavily on my mind, my soul… So to getaway from my self inflicted guilt, I escape to another world, through my books, movies, and even my dreams; I’m so often able to recall.
If I could read (almost) everyday, I truly would, but my attention span doesn’t always allow for that. So watching a good movie fills in those gaps. Although, I still find myself hitting the rewind button all too often! Now, there was a time when music was my first go to, and I’d sing! I’d sing until I my voice went hoarse! I love to sing, but now I don’t always feel I can, which makes me relate so reverently to a bird in a cage at times, whose lost its voice, from being locked up for far too long. My once sweet voice is likely to crack, because I rarely use it these days… Fearing it will sound less than melodic as it once was, I don’t allow myself the joy as of late… but, knowing the need to express myself through song, may very well take ahold of me again, I shall work my way slowly back to it… very slowly. The featured song on our podcast “Love Hurts“, is mine actually. I had written and recorded it in the mid nineties, but never finishing the song, unfortunately; a later tale I’ll share, and so this is a once and done recording. I’m happy that what I did record, gets some use though, and is no longer just sitting in a drawer, collecting dust.
With these muses my days are passed… while I’m not ultimately working on all things FWmnn, lately. It may not seem like much, I know, but I still find joy in life, and it’s the little things that make me happy. Your kindness for instance… things you have said, and written to me, have all absolutely made my day, by the way, so thank you for that, truly!
I’ve never been one whom has set out to seek fame or fortune. I’m good with being a private person, the quiet and solitude can be most comforting. I don’t need the expensive things, especially when I’m unable to acquire them myself… Oh how I loved and valued my independence! Now, just some of the home comforts are all I need… Love. Having love in my life, is what keeps me content. I’ve had the world handed to me in the past, but turned it down… You’re wondering why, I suppose? I want/need to be loved… the way I love! And if that isn’t what’s on the table, I’ll pass. It doesn’t mean a thing to me, how nice the house, car, and clothes are… because if they knew me at all, it would be obvious I could care less about that. I’ve always valued companionship, filled with love, respect, loyalty, and (com)passion. Material things are temporary, frivilous, and empty. There are more priceless things in life… My family and friends are very important to me. Although I’ve never been the most reliable; not intentionally of course. Having Fibro since my young teen years, kind of rules your world, and you have to bend to it’s mercy. It hurts my heart when/if I cannot help or be present. So I do the best I can through writing. It’s my way of reaching out to you, and letting you know that you are all important to me.
I may not ever write a novel, like the aforementioned Jane Austen… However, I am able to sit down and express the hopes and dreams, that I think many of us are feeling, but are too scared and/or unable to express. I will be your advocate, your strength, your voice. Just reach out to me, and I’ll help you in what ever way I am able. Being able to write to you, for you, is an absolute honor, that I will continually cherish. Your trust in me, does not go unnoticed.
So escape, into that other world…
A lil indulgence is important, to keep our minds free of life’s clutter. Sweep away those cobwebs, and revel in imagination!
You are not alone! Love you all 💜💋 MJ
‘FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal‘
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