I haven’t had a chance to really just LIVE. I’ve thought about my life constantly, trying to figure out how to navigate through it, with each thing I’ve endured. Abuse (molestation/emotional), obstacles, disappointments, losses, and of course, my illness. If I had known what was wrong with me long ago, from the beginning, things could have been different, I’m sure of that. Different good, who knows, but different none the less.
If I continued to look back, wishing that things could have turned out more positively, I would never enjoy anything. It’s been a long journey, but I’m learning to let the past stay where it is, little by little. That I cannot change it, or the people involved. I can only forgive, accept, and find peace within myself. I’m not saying things won’t crop up occasionally, of course they will and they do, but I can say that I am a better person for learning to let it all go.
This has taken me decades… I’m 48yrs old now, and I have no idea what kind of timeline I have left. I can only make the best of whatever it is, and appreciate it. Finding the good that’s still there, making amends whenever needed, and enjoying the little things even more. Realizing that you cannot change others, but you can change how you perceive them, and on occasion, that’s all you really need; just a new perspective.
I work hard on myself, my FWmnn, and my want to have good relationships; with my loved ones. On occasion I’m overwhelmed, distracted, and just simply too tired and in pain, but I still try to give it my best. In others eyes, that may not be enough, but we cannot count on them to react the way we’d like. That’s just not practical, or logical. None of us think or feel exactly alike, so expecting that from someone, is just a let down waiting to happen, I promise you.
So, all you can actually do is your BEST. That will have to be enough. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Each encounter you have, has one our more personalities envolved, and every outcome will be different. If you take that same conversation and replace just one personality, just one, then the outcome will never be the same. If you realize and accept this reasoning, you will find some relief, and even, some happiness.
You are responsible for youself. If you know you are doing the right thing, have the resolution to stand by your decisions. We are all imperfect beings, so we all make mistakes. Spend less time pointing fingers and more time on improving yourself. You will be a happier “You“, even if no one else changes. I can tell you this from experience.
Love yourself first! Yes, as selfish as that sounds, it is the right thing to do. Then everything else will eventually fall into place; seem brighter, easier, and much more pleasant.
*On a side note,
I had just attended my Palm Springs High School 30yr Class Reunion. I was excited, yet having some trepidation, thinking I may be too overwhelmed by it all. I think I’ve healed my mind and soul so much, that I had the confidence and courage to just be me. Needless to say, I enjoyed myself immensely. I had amazing conversations with old, as well as new friends; I made that night. My Love Bill and I went with Mona, my best friend from high school, whom I have remained friends with over all of these years. I was lucky to have her in my life then, and even now. Never an argument or disagreement between us, just friendship, love, and respect. We all enjoyed ourselves, and I’m so happy we went; although I’m paying for it still now. So damn tired and aching, but so worth it!
Enjoy life, in anyway you can. We’ll never know when our last day is near, until that moment comes. Make your existence count, even if it’s in the smallest of ways.
You are not alone… and neither am I!
Love you all 💜💋 MJ
FIBRO WARRIOR, My New Normal